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One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk