Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now