Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
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[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat