Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I think I’m having a stroke
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM