Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.