Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
For those that worship cheese..
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.