I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey