[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.