‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.