I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”