Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
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Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…