Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.