The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?