My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
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“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
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