You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
You Might Also Like
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup