Can’t stop laughing
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Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
i actually laughed 😩
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The dark side of Canada
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.