I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
You Might Also Like
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*