When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?