*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?