[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The “baby” on the left….
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
We avoided this particular disaster
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins