Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
we all know this pain all too well
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
WHY?!
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.