No way!
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Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.