Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
lumberjacks will cut a birch
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Sunday
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”