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“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….