AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Buying a well is money well spent.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”