*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
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Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Genius idea!!
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.