going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?