The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
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F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.