dam girl
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Nice try, NASA
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule