[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
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life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.