If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad