I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
This will never not be funny to me.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!