Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Sheep
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”