Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
This is hilarious….
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.