if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?