[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.