There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.