Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
my dog when i have a friend over
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.