Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
any last words?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Worst bar ever.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.