If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
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Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Best seat on the street 😍
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
i love meeting boys on tinder
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.