I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let鈥檚 go we鈥檙e running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 馃槶馃槀馃槶馃槀
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Me: I鈥檒l take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that鈥檚 not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I鈥檝e ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I鈥檓 not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I鈥檒l consider doing it to others.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 馃槀
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”