A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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God, I love Scotland
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Left at a local drug store…
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
definitely did not do anything wrong
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ