All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour