[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
This hospital has everything
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.