What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.