We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Story of my life…..
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I am a gravy boat captain
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.