You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
You Might Also Like
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.