Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”