TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Liquor Store Parking
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do