Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.